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So bored with mortality...I decay.

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Monday, June 20th, 2005
11:00 am
I never update this thing anymore.Poor livejournal! :( My friend from Germany went back 6th.I miss him so much that I'm already saving up to go there around Christmas break.This summer just feels different from the last...and I don't really like this kind of different.I just feel bored with everything.Maybe I was more optimistic that something exciting would come along?California will be boring again, because we go to fucking Redding...I was so mad last summer...mom told me it was "my" year to choose vacation and I chose San Diego and she turns it into "let's go meet my long lost family that's never given a shit about me." :) So we get to go see them again this summer. -_____- I mean...do you know how fucking weird it is to stay in a house for a week with people you've never met before?I've spent a WEEK with them of my entire life...they are not my fucking family.I just finished a jone's soda...I want to break the bottle like a biker...just to do it...because it'd be funny. ^^ Hopefully one thing I've really been looking foward to will happen towards the end of the summer and I'll get to see my real family.<3 Right,kids? :) I want to go somewhere and take pictures...and I'm craving a better camera...even though mine is pretty good.There's no way I can save up for one and a trip to Germany though. >< We'll see.I also need to get my ass on recording...seems like someone is always here when I'm off work,so I can't be loud. ::rolls eyes:: Hmm...well I think I'm going to go fill out this work application and go turn it in.Then me and my sister will go gets some eats.I love you all.<3


current mood: contemplative
wept for me...
Friday, February 4th, 2005
5:55 pm - <//////////3

Stella died...I'm crying so hard right now...This isn't how it happened in the storybook.I loved my Stellaluna dearly...he was my baby and it's going to kill me to go see the other kittens and not have him following me everywhere and curling up on my lap...the other cats knocked over a door and it fell on him.When I think about the way he went it makes me cry even more.Wherever you are,I want you to know that I love you and you'll be greatly missed.</3

current mood: crushed
8 fallen stars wept for me...
Friday, January 7th, 2005
7:10 pm
It seems like I'm on high demand lately.I'm trying to find time to hang out with everyone and get everything done that I need to.
>< .....and as of right now,I'm making people mad. :/

3 fallen stars wept for me...
Friday, December 24th, 2004
11:12 pm - <3
Knowing I'll never grow up is what keeps my heart beating.It's my happy thought.I will NEVER EVER grow up!!!!NOT EVER!!!!



current mood: thankful
wept for me...
Saturday, December 18th, 2004
8:10 pm
Fuck you Adam Williams.You can go suck some hairy dick!

Have fun finding a new girlfriend.<3
3 fallen stars wept for me...
Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
7:54 pm - lmfao
Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:Shovel
Your Favorite Target:Televangelists
Your Kill Count:1,321,744,005
Your Battle Cry:"I got mad skillz, yo!"
Years You Spend in Jail:4
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:$165,570,810,485,829
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 86%
Quiz created with MemeGen!
wept for me...
Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
5:22 pm
Your World (Part Three): How do you see your world [girls]

brought to you by Quizilla

Your World (Part Two): Your social world [girls]

brought to you by Quizilla

Your World (Part One): What is your world made of? [girls]

brought to you by Quizilla
wept for me...
Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
4:57 pm
post a comment with a memory of me.
it can be anything you want.
then post this in your journal.
see what people remember about you.
9 fallen stars wept for me...
Thursday, November 25th, 2004
2:05 pm
I really need to start writing in here more.I used to all the time,but then people started whining and wanting me to write on xanga and now the same ones that wanted me to write in it are turning into slackers.Bleh.I'm fucking hungry like whoa,nigga.It's 2 in the afternoon and we still haven't eaten.This is what always happens on Thanksgiving though.We prolly won't eat until 5 or so...ughhhhhhh. ::dies:: Emmm...I don't know what else to write about.I can't wait to see Jordan and Gavin! :D:D I love them soooo much.I'm buying Jordan some faerie wings for Christmas.He's been asking me about some for a long time.I need to work. x_____x Hmmm...well yesterday Adam came over...I don't really know what to think about that.He asked me back on Sunday.Things just feel different...we'll see how everything goes.After he left,I went over to my Grandma's to have an early Thanksgiving dinner.My cousin was there,and she fucking rocks.We always have AWESOME times together.Her mom wouldn't let her stay the night.Surprise surprise...I swear my aunt hates me.No matter how nice I am,she just can't get over the fucking fact that I don't dress like everyone else.I'm NOT like everyone else,and if you ask me that's a good thing.If I do shave my eyebrows off,she'll have to be over when I do it,just so we have some more crazy shit to add to that "crazy shit we've done together list" that resides in the back of our minds..Hmmmm...I wrote way too much,but I'm bored and hungry as fuck.


current mood: blank
6 fallen stars wept for me...
Thursday, November 18th, 2004
10:25 pm

or leave a comment... ::grins::
6 fallen stars wept for me...
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
6:10 pm
Today was really great and horrible....I got out of bed really early because my mom was yelling at me.
I feel good because today I'm getting my lip pierced! Finally! Mom said I could and she's signed the forms and EVERYTHING!I'm going tomorrow.Last night I had to masturbate twenty times. I'm so horny.I want to tell the world that I'm gay.I am making this journal Friends Only because of the perverts and stalkers who only want to see my photos.I want to say thanks to simon and Abbey and Dave and the other Simon for helping me on Saturday. You guys are the best. By the way, if you happen to find my wallet, keys or underwear, could you SMS me? Adrian has my number.I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have ADD.What a suprise,eh? And bipolar disorder.You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you great and horrible....That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.


Created with the Gregor's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater™. Update your journal today!
1 fallen star wept for me...
Sunday, October 3rd, 2004
5:20 pm
I wish I was ignorant.Things were so much easier back then.You have no fear of drowning if you've never been shoved below the water's surface.You have no fear of love if you've never had your heart torn to shreds and trampled upon.You don't worry about trusting others when you've never been fucked over or lied to.I wish I could go back...back to when my biggest worry was whether or not my mother would let me have ice cream after dinner or not.I hate where I am right now.I finally know where I belong,but I cannot go there.I belong in Neverland and I belong TO the children.Why did they put me here...when they knew I would despise it...a place where the children are going to shit?What kind of cruel joke have they played upon me?There is one haven for me,though...and I know just where to find it.I long more than anything to visit,but once there,I know I would refuse to ever leave,and for now even that visit is out of the question.Plain people have the simplest lives...they have it so easy.I would never wish to be plain,but I would never wish to be this either...it's everything but plain and it's confusing and it hurts and sometimes I hate it.I love who I am,but I hate the surroundings I am in,because they are not friendly to me...they do not understand.They see that I do not belong here, and they are right.Go ahead and think I'm a weirdo,I don't give a fuck.

current mood: fucked up
3 fallen stars wept for me...
Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
10:25 pm - Well!
Alright so my DAY was awful because of certain things I won't get into...but tonight was pretty cool. :) A lot of things have happened in the past few days that have been really fucked up...and my aunt vanessa -i'm really close to her- came over and we decorated for my mom's surprise birthday party.Well we were talking about all the shit that happened and she was telling me about how EVERYONE thought my stepdad was a dick and she doesn't know how I can stand to live here and I told her I really couldn't anymore.She told me she would understand if I moved out, but that my mother would be very upset...which she would,but we both agreed that in the end,it's the only way for my life to get better.I told her I didn't want to go into depression again.You know he didn't even help with my mom's surprise party?He didn't buy ANY of the stuff for it,when he's fucking loaded,and my two aunts -both of which are struggling- pay for all of it.My aunt vanessa was really pissed and she said she planned on talking to my mother about it...no one can fucking stand him.He's an asshole to everyone.Anyway, my aunt wrote down her cell and home number for me and just hugged me and said "if you ever need me, you just call."Everyone gives her shit about being a "psycho" but she's really not.I talk to her about so many things...she understands me more than anyone else in my family,her and my nana...but there are a lot of things I can't tell my nana because I'm still her little girl,which doesn't bother me. :) It's just different kind of relationships you know?It was just really good to talk to someone that KNEW the problems I was having,because they've been through the same thing with him.I really love my aunt.Regardless of what anyone says,she is a good person and I truly appreciate her help.This was probably the longest entry I've ever written. o.o


current mood: relieved
2 fallen stars wept for me...
Saturday, August 28th, 2004
1:52 pm - some random shit about me
What size bed do you have? queen
Is your floor carpeted?: yuh huh
If so, what color is it?: cream *giggle*
Do you have posters on your walls? Of what?: yes...afi :) --davey has his own section-- ;X
Do you keep your room clean, or is there junk all over the floor?: i manage to keep it halfway decent
Are you allowed to eat in your room?: no but i do anyway.i have the secret candy stash up here...which needs refilling....

How many times a day do you brush your teeth?: twice
Do you take a shower daily?: yes
Do you wear purfume/cologne?: if i have some handy
Do you wear deoderant?: yes.

Do you go outside often?: yes...i like to jump on the trampoline and play with georgie or my horsies :D
Is your lawn green or brown?: green
Do you have a patio in the back?: yup!
Do you have a one or two (or more) car garage?: three
How many trees are in your yard?: well i live on like 100 something acres....so i have no fucking clue.too many to count?

Are you male or female?: i'm a girlie
Are you sure?: wanna look in my pants?
Do you have any piercings?: ears twice....for now *grin*
Are you single or married?: married to myself bitch.
Do you like your name?: i suppose.i prefer ash to ashley
Do you like lotion? Chapstick?: lotion makes my skin feel pretty so yes.and chapstick only if it's flavored.
Do you shave your legs?: yes.along with everywhere else.body hair=ewww

[ MISC. ]
Is the sky really blue, or is it white with blue clouds?: it's blue motherfucker
Did that last question confuse you?: no.i'm a clever little fuck
Do you eat chocolate often?: what do you think? *just shoved a snickers in her mouth*
Do you have a job?: not since school started...but i'm getting a hardship license :D
Is your computer slow?: no it's a fast motherfucker.unless it's having a cranky day.
Have you ever been kissed?: yes....
Have you ever wondered why there is bark on trees?: no.it's to protect it :)
when you kick a tree, does it bruise the tree?: i don't kick trees.that's mean.
Why do cats cover their poop and such?: because they are polite.
What do you hear right now?: typing
What do you smell right now?: mud mask
Are you alone in the room?: yes
Are you at home?: yes
Am I scaring you?: no.you intrigue me!

*Thirteen random things you like*
01) little kiddies :D:D
02) giggles
03) candy....yes!
04) peter's posse :)
05) pretty little boy tummies that make me cream my pants
06) faeries and magick
07) my platforms
08) huge ass water guns
09) running around the house bareass naked
10) robots and vulgarity
11) jumping on my bed
12) wiping my snot on people
13) playing in the woods getting soaked in the rain

*Twelve Movies*
01) hedwig and the angry inch
02) the labyrinth
03) the rescuer's down under...JOHANNA!!!!!
04) my neighbor totoro
05) the secret of nimh--i <3 jeremy...he makes me giggle! :D:D
06) little nemo
07) alice in wonderland
08) bambi
09) the crow
10) the last samurai
11) beauty and the beast
12) practical magic

*Eleven Good Artists/Bands*
01) a fire inside
02) mindless self indulgence
03) the cure
04) my ruin
05) jawbreaker
06) jets to brazil
07) true sounds of liberty
08) the misfits
09) the murderdolls
10)dopestars inc.
11) vendetta red

*Ten Things About You Physically*
01) my pretty tink hair
02) eyes-not refering to the color-
03) the way my shoulder and collar bones poke out
04) tiny wrists and long skinny fingers
05) my big pouty lips
06) my three thousand dollar smile
07) my ass
08) the way i walk like a pimp
09) that oh so creepy grin i get
10) my crotch because it's fun to play with

*Nine Good Friends* [IN NO ORDER]
01) lizzy
02) cole
03) laree
04) adam
05) my nana<333
06) hailee
07) georgie!!!!
08) my daddy
09) my papa<333

*Eight Favorite Foods*
01) candy
02) SWEETS!!!!
03) japanese food
04) mommy's green bean caserole
05) pizza
06) egg rolls
07) peanut butter O.O
08) CHOCOLATE MOUSSE!!!!<3333333333333

*Seven Things You Wear Daily*
01) my faerie dust necklace
02) my sXe bracelets
03) pretty pretty panties
04) freckles *giggle*
05) by the end of the day-marker x.x
06) something bright
07) a big goofy grin!!!! :D:D

*Six Things That Annoy You*
01) people who try to act like something they aren't
02) sluts evern though the word is prettyful
03) when i try to catch those blue striped lizards and they run away :(
04) people that make sleazy sexual remarks to me
05) my stepdad-should have put for number one-
06) when lipstick gets smeared on my face

*Five Things You Touch Daily*
01) my crotch
02) candy
03) guitar
04) computer
05) my faeriedust necklace...i cling to it all day

*Four TV Shows You Watch*
02) taboo
03) anything on discovery channel/national geographic/scifi...i'm a geek.so what?
04) the simpsons

*Three Celebrities You Have a Crush on*
01) does davey havok count as a celebrity?
02) davey havok
03) davey havok

*Two Things You Can't Live Without*
01) magick
02) candy

*Name One Thing You Want More Than Anything*
01) to fly away to neverland with those dearest to me and stay there forever

current mood: bored
4 fallen stars wept for me...
Saturday, August 14th, 2004
5:20 pm - Hmmmm... O.O
Well today I went to the mall with my mom,sister and aunt-the one from California-.I had been asking to get my ears peirced a second time,but my mom would never give me a solid answer.Today I got my ears periced again.It was very spur of the moment.Maggie wanted hers done once even though Mom told her she couldn't until she was like 12.I went first because she wanted to make sure it didn't hurt too much...which getting your ears peirced is nothing.Lol.Found some pants and a skirt and then I let the rest of the girls shop while I went to the arcade.TC was there so it was cool seeing him. :) He played a few games of DDR with me and that was fun.When I went to go find my mom, I saw steven...yet again.His girlfriend always makes him take her to the fucking mall.So I almost vomited right before I left.We were supposed to go the movies, but we didn't.We came home and yeah that's all.Captain Jack makes me giggle! ;D ;D


current mood: mellow
7 fallen stars wept for me...
Friday, August 6th, 2004
10:26 am - Hmmm...
Well I figured it was time for an update,even though I'm not really sure what to write about.School starts in exactly ten days.Oh how I loathe it.I only have one class with my best friend,which means I'll have to endure the rest of the mormons(morons...don't ask) on my own.This sucks nards,and not in a good way,mind you. ;D ;D Lol...anyway I don't really have anything else to write about,other than I HATE HATE HATE HATE SCHOOL!!!!And look at this adorable picture I took last night of me and Georgie!<333


current mood: bored
wept for me...
Monday, August 2nd, 2004
12:59 am
Well my dad couldn't come over today.He called my Papa back from the hospital and said he had a hernia...so he was all drugged up on morphine and he has to go back later for surgery,but he doesn't have anyone else to run his store,so he's going to work tomorrow.Papa said he'd drop me off there for a few hours.I plan on talking to him about...a lot of things.Hopefully the outcome will be good.I'll probably help him run the register and everything since he's so sick.A straight edge kid in a cigarette store...lovely.Lol.Well no one read my last entry,or at least they didn't comment.I don't even know why I write.I have a good memory so it's not like I need documentation.Everyone but my dad came over and my Uncle Steve brought his guitars and amp over.We plugged up our amps outside and played together for everyone.It was pretty fun.We probably played for like 3 hours.My wrist hurt afterwards because I hadn't brought my guitar strap.I asked my Papa if he still had Roger Rabbit, but he couldn't find it. :( I started to watch the Sixth Sense instead because he didn't have any cartoons...I couldn't watch it for long by myself...bad memories.I also started crying when they locked that poor little boy in the closet.I tried to watch some Adult Swim after that to shake off this rattled feeling but it didn't work out too well.So I got online hoping to talk to someone but no one is here.I don't like this feeling.It makes me sick.


current mood: distressed
1 fallen star wept for me...
Saturday, July 31st, 2004
11:19 pm - Home
Well it was a long drive up here.Papa endured my music the whole way.Just because he loves me...I think I traumatized him...Lol.We went to Red Lobster for dinner...just for me. ^^ The host told me he liked my shirt...Rocky Horror Picture Show and started talking to me.He kept coming by our table to flirt.He looked about 20.Lol.Then my Nana said we can go get our auras photographed probably Monday night. ^^ That will be awesome.Everyone is coming over to see me tomorrow night.We'll have one of our traditional pizza parties.*giggle* Just like Papa HAD to stop at Braums to get rocky road ice cream,which he's been feeding me since I was a year old.Lol.He made me eat some tonight,even though I was stuffed.Well I'm really excited about going to get my aura done with my Nana. ^^


current mood: happy
1 fallen star wept for me...
Friday, July 30th, 2004
5:32 pm - Papa and Nana<333
Well tomorrow my Papa is coming to pick me up! ^^ Which means a five hour AFI marathon in the car!!!WHOOT!I looooooooooooooooove my Papa and Nana soOoOOooo much!They are the only people in my family that I truly feel love me no matter what...no matter what unnatural color my hair is or how many peircings and tattoos I want...no matter how much makeup my man wears.They support me through all of it.My Papa even listens to my music for the whole trip there and back,and no matter how badly his head hurts;he turns it up to try to make me think he's cool,which I already do.He wants me to bring my guitar and play for them.^^I'm going to ask my Nana if we're finally going to get our auras photographed. >< That will be cool. ^^ I'm coming back on Tuesday.I wish I could stay longer.I love staying with them.I'm so excited to go.I wish they understood how much they mean to me.They treat me like a kid((which I am and always will be...so I adore every second of it)),but always tell me how worried they are that I will get a boyfriend or something and forget them.I always tell them that would never happen,but I don't think they believe me. >< Well I am going to have a very good weekend.


current mood: ecstatic
1 fallen star wept for me...
2:38 am - *sigh*
All of a sudden I feel so sad.I want more than anything to feel someone's arms around me.I want to feel their love for me in every touch and every word.I bet anyone who read this is going to be sick to their stomach.This is my journal though and this is how I'm feeling.So I'm writing about it.I hate being so fucking lonely.

'Don't look don't look,' the shadows breathe
Whispering me away from you
'Don't wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling
Tousled birdmad girl...'

But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again

'Oh don't talk of love,' the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
'Don't talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that's ever true
There's nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do...'

Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream's the same
Every night I burn
Waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn
Waiting for the world to end

'Just paint your face,' the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
'Oh it doesn't matter how you hide
Find you if we're wanting to
So slide back down and close your eyes
Sleep a while
You must be tired...'

But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream
Dream the crow black dream...


current mood: lonely
2 fallen stars wept for me...
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